Monday, October 26, 2015

How we are doing...

How are we doing?
  A question we are asked almost daily. My answer seems to always be, "Ok, we are doing ok." That's just the simplest answer I can give. While some days I could answer with "today has been a good day, no tears, some laughs," some days I would also have to say- "today has been rough, I had to make myself stay off of social media, Evan found me sobbing in my closet, and every song on the radio has brought me to tears," I decide to spare the sob story and stick with "Ok." That's just what we are right now. The good days do seem to be outnumbering the bad, but to say "Oh we are great," I just can't. I hope one day we can, but not now.

  Our lives are back to normal, as much as they can be. Evan has been back to work for awhile now, and is staying busy during his peak season for photography. I am back to work full time as well. If you follow me on Facebook, you know I've switched jobs. I now work in the pediatric emergency room at our local children's hospital. And I loove it. I know what your thinking- you just lost your son, and you spend 12hrs a day taking care if children. Yes, I do. It's a "God thing", this is where I am supposed to be right now and I'm so thankful for such a peace about it. I'm motherly, I'm a care-taker, I'm a lover of children- this job gives me an opportunity to love on babies and children all day long, it's helping to heal my broken heart so much. I also work with amazing people, that helps.

    October has been a trying time in our healing process, Chandler's due date was the 13th, our anniversary the 15th, and Evan's birthday the 20th- all of these things were supposed to be exciting celebrations. We decided a trip out of town would help take our mind off of what we had anticipated during this month and help us to focus on this season on our lives. We spent several days in Savannah, GA and loved it. It's been so nice, and very much needed to be surrounded by our family and friends over the last few months, but it was so lovely to take time alone, just the two of us. I know I brag on my husband a lot, but I just can't say enough about how amazing he is. I never imagined in our fourth year of marriage and tenth year together, we would face this, but I can't imagine facing it with anyone else by my side. I thank God daily for my husband, he's such a blessing.
    With the changes in our lives, we have met new people, many who don't know our story. I knew the question would come, but I wasn't sure if I would ever be prepared. "Do you have any kids?" How do I answer that? Of course I do, I have Chandler, but am I prepared to go in to details every time I'm asked? It's something I'm still not prepared for, I take it as it comes, I don't have a rehearsed answer. It's usually something like, " I do, I have a son, he's just not here with me. We lost him at birth." It's a common question, a conversation starter, and I don't take offense at all to being asked, it's something I would normally ask people I'm just meeting, too. It's just hard, some days I can answer it and go on, others I have to let it sink in, regroup and eventually go on with my day. So many things I never imagined would be so hard, make the days so tough sometimes, Facebook, it's a wonderful place to share pieces of our lives with those we call friends, I love Facebook. But Facebook can be so harsh to hurting people. My Facebook is filled with new life and pregnant mommas right now. It's wonderful, but I'm going to be honest- some days I have to tune out. Some days the new life surrounding me is nothing but a constant reminder that we weren't lucky enough to hold our precious baby while he was still full of life. Please don't take this as me saying- stop sharing pictures in Facebook, or leave me out of your life if it includes a new baby- not at all. I don't want anyone to think I'm being harsh at all, just being honest with my feelings. I'm very thankful for all the new life around us, and those lucky enough to carry healthy babies, it's such a blessing. But, my mommy heart hurts so much, sometimes I have to turn away from those things that make it hurt even more on days when I'm struggling, I hope that makes sense. There are certain days when I know I can't go in the nursery, I can't listen to certain songs, and I need to hold it together, the same for social media- I know when I just need to avoid it.

    So that's my update on our lives right now. Again, I want to thank all of you who continue to reach out to us often, we still need constant prayers. I can honestly say that this experience has shown me how kind people can be, and that there are truly many people who "practice what they preach." I would be lying if I said everyone has, there is always going to be a few who disappoint you- but that's life. So many people have been there for us, and you will never know how much you mean to us. I pray God allows us to reach out to those who are hurting, just like we have been blessed.