I shared a song by Selah on my Facebook last night. If you are familiar with the group, or the story of Angie and Todd Smith's daughter Audrey, you may have heard it. I had heard it in the past when reading their story, but the words are soo much sweeter to me now that we have lost our sweet baby and experienced a similar pain. It talks about plans that she had for her daughter, that she never got to enjoy with her, and the love she thought only a mother would know, but how our Heavenly Father loves her sweet baby even more. I can relate soo much to the words.
If you know me, you know what a planner I am. I plan my outfits the night before, plan out our meals, my grocery store list, the day I'm going to clean my house so it's fresh for whatever we have going on during the week- and the list goes on. I plan everything, and write most of it down in my life planner. I don't like my plans changed, I like a schedule and routine. Evan and I started dating in high school, so I had our lives for the next several years planned out when I realized he was the boy I was going to marry. We would get married after college, work hard to save money and enjoy our married life, buy a house and start a family. That all went pretty much as planned, until July 15.
So naturally, I already had lots of plans for Chandler. We would have him in October and I would take as much time off of work as we could possibly afford, I knew it would be worth it. We would spend our days doing whatever he wanted and working in some time cleaning and preparing dinner- I was going to have it all together, or at least pretend I did. I just knew Friday nights we would snuggle him and listen to his uncle and cousins high school football game on the radio. I could picture drinking my favorite fall drinks, with my pumpkin candles lit, rocking my baby- perfect! This would be the best Christmas EVER, lots of presents for our boy, our own family traditions to start, and showing him off at all the family Christmas gatherings. He would have extravagant birthday parties, and one day, we would take him to Disney world. He would probably be good at golf and basketball like his daddy, and I could imagine we would have to discourage him from climbing the trees in our back yard when he was older. I'm telling you I had it all planned- down to small details of what our new life would be like.
On July 15th, I lost all control of my plans for our lives. That day, God tapped me on the shoulder, no- let me rephrase that, he shook me to the core when He showed me that He had a different plan for us and our Chandler. I can admit I always prayed for God's will in our lives, but in my mind I liked to add something like, "But now Lord, I've already got this all planned out, so if you could just make it happen this way that would be great- ok? Thanks," I'm certain He was shaking His head at me and thinking "O ye of little faith."
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
I thought I had it all figured out, my plan was to be Chandler's mommy and everything from the moment we found I was pregnant revolved around our lives as his mommy and daddy. I thought my plans were best for our lives, but I was wrong. God has been in control the whole time. I just realized that I have to stop trying to direct His path. That is not easy to admit, or to follow through. I'm not writing this to tell you I have got it all figured out now, because I most certainly do not. I am struggling with what His plan is for my life now more than I ever have, but I know if I let Him, He will show me the plan He has- I just have to trust Him and His timing.
Although you may not be able to relate to my story, if you are struggling with your purpose in life or your plans aren't going like you thought- I am here to tell you, cry out to Jesus. As the song and saying goes, " I may not know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow." I am living proof that we can try as hard, and for as long as we want, but ultimately we are not in control- He is! Thank you all so much for your continued prayers, we appreciate them more than you will ever know!